I was late...too late

I felt so small. I saw my nani lying lifeless on her bed and I had nothing to say. Initially the pain didn't hit me, all I knew that it was her time. She's been old and tired of existing; bed-ridden. I thought how happy she must be now, that she didn't have to struggle through another day - to eat, to bathe, to sleep - to live.

My mom broke into tears. She had wanted to call doctor earlier but... There's always a more important task at hand. And now she wonders if she had gone instead. Deep down we all know, when its time there's no stopping. Yet there's a guilt - of not caring enough, of not paying attention at right times, of simply forgetting them at times.

I had my college started on 3rd August. It was a busy schedule, 12 hours, quite tiring. I'd leave without seeing her and come back and fall on my bed. Didn't meet her, didn't see her face, and didn’t touch her feet. I thought let me just first adjust. I thought I had time.
And now I can never. And the irony is that I have all the time in the world now - to grieve. Today I'm not tired, but now it doesn't matter either.

I can only relate to her from vivid memories I've had of her. Though she'll continue to be remembered with much love, there would always be a space left that no one else can fill. No one else can congratulate me with as deep proud as I could see in her eyes. No one else can bless me with as much sincerity and love as she could when I'd touch her feet.

We keep waiting for the right time. There is no right time to express your love. Do it now, before it’s too late, before you are only left with memories to cherish. Why wait for memories when we can live the moments now.
.
The loss is tremendous and the reasons are not enough to let her go. That's why she'll continue to smile at me. The only difference is I just have to close my eyes and open my heart to see her.

I love you nani. Always will.