Monday, February 28, 2011

Something is in the air...Again

The stupid smile and the dreamy eyes are back. Stuck to me, all through the day. The sunlight through the misty window pane never looked so bright and promising. I don’t recall smiling to the shining rays on my face, usually I’d have shied away in my blanket, under my pillow.

I’m reading the newspaper, full of saddening news, as usual.And the same thought of every morning, "when is India going to rise above all this?" has somehow escaped my mind today. And my mom asks me, “What’s so amusing in the news?” I wonder where this grin has come from. Can the flowers in the vase, visible just from the brim of the newspaper, be so much of joy?

And the morning chaos: dad screaming for hot water, mom yelling for her ruined sari and maid calling for breakfast from the ground floor, it seems, never sounded so soothing. I’m swaying to an unknown tune that my heart is singing to me.

All I can pick up is yellow, pink n blues from my wardrobe. And that’s how my mornings are. Filled with the beautiful hues of my own heart’s reflections.

And when dad asks me to come home early, it becomes a little tough to be angry on thoughts like space and freedom. Home is also not that bad after all…to dream!

And the weather is teasing me, with my scarf flowing and wind in my hair. I’d have usually stuffed it under my seat belt and pulled back my hair in a bun, irritated by both soon. Not today. Why not today?

Speakers blown to the full volume in the car; crawling in the morning traffic of Delhi. I don’t remember smiling at the car driving at the speed of snail. And songs like kuch to hua hai seem to connect to me so well. I don’t know if it is radio or my heart singing.

There is this enchanting mistiness in my thoughts. I’m nowhere and I’m everywhere. I wish the feeling never ends. I wonder again, has the mornings always been so beautiful or something is in the air…

Monday, February 21, 2011

I was late...too late

I felt so small. I saw my nani lying lifeless on her bed and I had nothing to say. Initially the pain didn't hit me, all I knew that it was her time. She's been old and tired of existing; bed-ridden. I thought how happy she must be now, that she didn't have to struggle through another day - to eat, to bathe, to sleep - to live.

My mom broke into tears. She had wanted to call doctor earlier but... There's always a more important task at hand. And now she wonders if she had gone instead. Deep down we all know, when its time there's no stopping. Yet there's a guilt - of not caring enough, of not paying attention at right times, of simply forgetting them at times.

I had my college started on 3rd August. It was a busy schedule, 12 hours, quite tiring. I'd leave without seeing her and come back and fall on my bed. Didn't meet her, didn't see her face, and didn’t touch her feet. I thought let me just first adjust. I thought I had time.
And now I can never. And the irony is that I have all the time in the world now - to grieve. Today I'm not tired, but now it doesn't matter either.

I can only relate to her from vivid memories I've had of her. Though she'll continue to be remembered with much love, there would always be a space left that no one else can fill. No one else can congratulate me with as deep proud as I could see in her eyes. No one else can bless me with as much sincerity and love as she could when I'd touch her feet.

We keep waiting for the right time. There is no right time to express your love. Do it now, before it’s too late, before you are only left with memories to cherish. Why wait for memories when we can live the moments now.
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The loss is tremendous and the reasons are not enough to let her go. That's why she'll continue to smile at me. The only difference is I just have to close my eyes and open my heart to see her.

I love you nani. Always will.

Saturday, February 19, 2011

me or Others?

Have you ever felt that disgust for yourself when you aren’t really who you are but a projection of varied expectations of people around you?
The last time I checked with my reality, I was bold, brave, arrogant and detached. Now I’m compliant, a lost soul in the crowd, moving, swaying along with the flow.
In the fight to prove myself, I have forgotten to be myself.
When had this need to please, the sickening need to “fit-in” come into me? I react, I behave, I speak, I laugh, I feel sad, I express as and when expected. And then I feel I’m busy. Of course I’m busy, in complying with so many around me.

The fact that I’m doing everything that shouldn’t concern me is another story but nonetheless I’m working very hard.And the results have been highly effective in eroding my sense of belief that I can be who I want to be. And it has superbly contributed in nipping at my confidence.

How many times do we forgo of feelings that we wish to express, of things we wish to do but don’t. In the name of “other people”.
The choice has always been in my hands. Me or others?