The Wings of My Thoughts

Once upon a time
you had opened
my eyes
my heart
my thoughts,
and asked me
to take a flight.

You told me
I looked beautiful
when i flapped my wings,
spreading colors
in the monotonous spread of
your life.
You told me,
you can watch me
for hours
spanning the limitless skies of
my mind
and
your mind,
meeting somewhere in the horizons.
You told me,
the sound of my wings
tread the still waters of
your thoughts
and brought them to life.

You told me once,
I looked most beautiful when
the wings of my thoughts
flaps
in wondrous hues of
love and life,
hopes and happiness
to take the flight
and return
into your arms.

Ever since,
you,
sitting safe & warm
only in
memories of the flight,
you once opened my thoughts to.
And me...
my wings
tightly held in your embrace
awaiting
a chance to fly....again,
knowing,
I can always return to
your arms,
my home not prison.

Genesis of your love

I kept turning and twisting.

To find
that comforting bump
in the feathery mattress.
I miss your arms.
The hollow of my waist
lies empty.
I miss the way
your arms
lay defenceless, not holding
but held.
A perfect fit.

To find
the softest corner
in the willowy pillow.
I miss your chest.
The hollow of my cheeks
lies empty.
I miss the way
your chest
rose in harmonious breathing
rhythmic to mine,
to cushion the hollows of my cheeks.

To find
the perfect curve
in the ‘other’ pillow.
I miss your back.
The heels of my palms
lay flat
across this plain terrain,
nothing to hold onto
to cling to.
I miss the way
your curves and the moulds
are made
to fill my empty hands
in an effortless embrace.

To find
the missing angles
in the tangles
of my bedsheet.
I miss your legs.
My legs fighting in vain
trying to fit
one on another.
No matter,
it cannot have the same angles
as your legs.

I kept twisting and turning
in the dark consuming night.
My body
among pillows, mattress and bedsheet
and yet alone.
Missing, aching for yours.

But all the pain
this missing has to offer,
my body will willingly suffer.
If only,
at the break of the dawn,
when I flicker
my lashes to clear
the hazy morning blur,
to find myself gazing in
your eyes.
The genesis of all the love
your body silently offers.

I dream because

Every wish that is denied
calls my heart to skip a beat.

In my beautiful world of dreams,
where every minute detail
is as pure as a puff of white cloud and the shining rays of sun,
Where the perfection is everyday affair
Where I’m not afraid to wish more,
because they are not denied in the wake of reality

Because people in my dreams
are flawless
They know how to love, how to care and how to express.
‘coz people in my dreams
are never bothered by ‘others’
since none exists except for those whom I love and those who love me.
‘coz this cycle of wishing more
and being fulfilled,
of loving more
and being loved in response,
is never broken by the lapse of time.
‘coz in my dreams
my heart never skips a beat.

Today, I wished
and my heart skipped a beat once more.
Tonight, I’ll sleep again,
To find my heart beating
when I’ll wake up
tomorrow.

Wait: a concept of theory of relativity

When I was preparing for engineering, there was this concept of Theory of Relativity; developed by a great scientist Einstein. And I used to dread those lectures and longer the lectures seemed. Why on earth I would like to know whether two trains running towards each other appear to be faster than those running away from each other.

Nobody taught me that it is well applied when it comes to life.

How difficult is to wait?

So, let me answer this question that makes many of us wonder why we have to wait longer when we expect time to go by swiftly and on the contrary, time seems to fly by when we wish to linger on.

Let me put the ever-confusing, ever-frustrating theory of relativity to some good use now. The higher is the anticipation of occurrence of events, the longer the wait seems. Or in other words, the time seems to be dragging its feet. The lesser the anticipation, shorter is the wait.

The absolute value of time loses its essence in this process. The relative time interval becomes directly proportional to the degree of the anticipation.
Hence, someone waiting for 1 minute to catch his breath out of suffocation, the wait is as long as the person waiting for arrival of bus for 1 hour.

The emotions triggered is also not dependent on the absolute time interval, rather is on the relative time span spent in waiting. And that is why, it depends whether the 1 day for a person dying tomorrow is like a lifetime or a second on how he anticipates his tomorrow. Whether he dreads the arrival of his death time or is tired of his existence from long suffering.

It is not how much time has lapsed, it is how much time ‘you think’ has lapsed that matters.

And so is true for the concept of age. It is the anticipation of the time you think you have lived so far and not the absolute years that have gone by. Here goes the insight behind the famous lines, “Abhi toh main jawan hun.”

We come back to the question raised, how difficult is to wait?

It is not this question that needs to be answered but the question is how much can you control your expectations. If you can train your mind to not expect earlier the good events and not delay the dreadful events, you can enjoy the power of absolute time.

Or better yet: train your mind to delay the good things and expect earlier the worst ones.

The power is not in the hands of time but in your mind!

Kiss of the storm

We can never know what’s in store for us in the next moment unless we go through it. How can I now ever regret waiting an entire day just to have it changed from two words to three. The three most precious words, reverberating with soft melody.

Outside the glass panes, I knew people were chatting, scuttling traffic with vehicles honking, birds were chirping but I hardly could hear them, coz world inside me has calmed down with a simple touch of love. The confluence was so magnetic that it pulled me right at the heart of the storm. I knew the world around me was spinning but I was calm as sea.

And the eye of the storm, the source, took my heart away!

It’s a strange mix of feeling flooding through me, knowing and unknowing it. Knowing that my world will change but don’t know how. Knowing that I’m gonna love every moment of it but don’t know why.

They say people search a lifetime to have a dream they can die for. I believe I’m more than blessed to have a moment in reality to die a thousand deaths for.

And of course that stupid smile that is still hanging around the corner of my lips. And the joy of experiencing “something in the air” continues…with extended mistiness!

Something is in the air...Again

The stupid smile and the dreamy eyes are back. Stuck to me, all through the day. The sunlight through the misty window pane never looked so bright and promising. I don’t recall smiling to the shining rays on my face, usually I’d have shied away in my blanket, under my pillow.

I’m reading the newspaper, full of saddening news, as usual.And the same thought of every morning, "when is India going to rise above all this?" has somehow escaped my mind today. And my mom asks me, “What’s so amusing in the news?” I wonder where this grin has come from. Can the flowers in the vase, visible just from the brim of the newspaper, be so much of joy?

And the morning chaos: dad screaming for hot water, mom yelling for her ruined sari and maid calling for breakfast from the ground floor, it seems, never sounded so soothing. I’m swaying to an unknown tune that my heart is singing to me.

All I can pick up is yellow, pink n blues from my wardrobe. And that’s how my mornings are. Filled with the beautiful hues of my own heart’s reflections.

And when dad asks me to come home early, it becomes a little tough to be angry on thoughts like space and freedom. Home is also not that bad after all…to dream!

And the weather is teasing me, with my scarf flowing and wind in my hair. I’d have usually stuffed it under my seat belt and pulled back my hair in a bun, irritated by both soon. Not today. Why not today?

Speakers blown to the full volume in the car; crawling in the morning traffic of Delhi. I don’t remember smiling at the car driving at the speed of snail. And songs like kuch to hua hai seem to connect to me so well. I don’t know if it is radio or my heart singing.

There is this enchanting mistiness in my thoughts. I’m nowhere and I’m everywhere. I wish the feeling never ends. I wonder again, has the mornings always been so beautiful or something is in the air…

I was late...too late

I felt so small. I saw my nani lying lifeless on her bed and I had nothing to say. Initially the pain didn't hit me, all I knew that it was her time. She's been old and tired of existing; bed-ridden. I thought how happy she must be now, that she didn't have to struggle through another day - to eat, to bathe, to sleep - to live.

My mom broke into tears. She had wanted to call doctor earlier but... There's always a more important task at hand. And now she wonders if she had gone instead. Deep down we all know, when its time there's no stopping. Yet there's a guilt - of not caring enough, of not paying attention at right times, of simply forgetting them at times.

I had my college started on 3rd August. It was a busy schedule, 12 hours, quite tiring. I'd leave without seeing her and come back and fall on my bed. Didn't meet her, didn't see her face, and didn’t touch her feet. I thought let me just first adjust. I thought I had time.
And now I can never. And the irony is that I have all the time in the world now - to grieve. Today I'm not tired, but now it doesn't matter either.

I can only relate to her from vivid memories I've had of her. Though she'll continue to be remembered with much love, there would always be a space left that no one else can fill. No one else can congratulate me with as deep proud as I could see in her eyes. No one else can bless me with as much sincerity and love as she could when I'd touch her feet.

We keep waiting for the right time. There is no right time to express your love. Do it now, before it’s too late, before you are only left with memories to cherish. Why wait for memories when we can live the moments now.
.
The loss is tremendous and the reasons are not enough to let her go. That's why she'll continue to smile at me. The only difference is I just have to close my eyes and open my heart to see her.

I love you nani. Always will.

me or Others?

Have you ever felt that disgust for yourself when you aren’t really who you are but a projection of varied expectations of people around you?
The last time I checked with my reality, I was bold, brave, arrogant and detached. Now I’m compliant, a lost soul in the crowd, moving, swaying along with the flow.
In the fight to prove myself, I have forgotten to be myself.
When had this need to please, the sickening need to “fit-in” come into me? I react, I behave, I speak, I laugh, I feel sad, I express as and when expected. And then I feel I’m busy. Of course I’m busy, in complying with so many around me.

The fact that I’m doing everything that shouldn’t concern me is another story but nonetheless I’m working very hard.And the results have been highly effective in eroding my sense of belief that I can be who I want to be. And it has superbly contributed in nipping at my confidence.

How many times do we forgo of feelings that we wish to express, of things we wish to do but don’t. In the name of “other people”.
The choice has always been in my hands. Me or others?