Answers That Do Not Solve

I used to believe if you love someone with all your heart, doubts disappear with one look into their eyes. And now I’m standing at the verge of my dying relation and all I want is few answers. Answer to few whys and whats. Today I’m not convinced with his simple apologies and guilty sad eyes. I want to know why, why he had been cruel to me. As if reasons will save our love, bring new hope. I doubt that. When my heart itself has lost trust in his promises, when his pain is no longer the center of everything, then how could answers make any difference as to what I feel? I need them to be able to justify my leaving; rather, in believing that I had been right to leave.
This ‘why’ has taken away my peace, my trust and my ability to love him unconditionally. It tortures me, instigates me to reminisce unfortunate moments. It has made my vision so obscure to see beyond few mistakes, to feel past few hurts. Why can’t I just make peace with the warm and beautiful memories? How can one overlook the cherished moments?

The need to know the answers is the strongest driving force in man. That’s what makes us intelligent. More intelligent I become, more reasons I gather. I can now branch out all the logical pathways from a problem leading to a solution. I thought it would give me stability. It did. It gave me the stability of my mind. But I never thought it would also bring the stagnancy in my heart. Knowing everything, analyzing it has robbed me of the charm of living. It took away the innocence in unraveling the little troubles of life.
When I was a kid, I fell off my bicycle. I skinned my knees and all I knew was that I couldn’t ride then coz it hurt. And when one day it didn’t hurt anymore, I took my bicycle out and rode it with same thrill down the lane. Since I could forget the pain of bruised knees, since I didn’t sit down to anticipate the possibility of getting hurt again; I could ride my bicycle again. I could relive the moment with same innocence; I could trust again; I wasn’t bothered with the answers of why-it-did and what-if-again.
But now since my brain has developed beautiful powers of remembrance and recall, I can look past the magical moment of being in love, knowing how it had sliced my heart once and how it can do so again.
Knowing all the answers may not necessarily solve everything. Let life unfolds itself on its own. Flow along; it’s better than sitting on the banks!