Answers That Do Not Solve

I used to believe if you love someone with all your heart, doubts disappear with one look into their eyes. And now I’m standing at the verge of my dying relation and all I want is few answers. Answer to few whys and whats. Today I’m not convinced with his simple apologies and guilty sad eyes. I want to know why, why he had been cruel to me. As if reasons will save our love, bring new hope. I doubt that. When my heart itself has lost trust in his promises, when his pain is no longer the center of everything, then how could answers make any difference as to what I feel? I need them to be able to justify my leaving; rather, in believing that I had been right to leave.
This ‘why’ has taken away my peace, my trust and my ability to love him unconditionally. It tortures me, instigates me to reminisce unfortunate moments. It has made my vision so obscure to see beyond few mistakes, to feel past few hurts. Why can’t I just make peace with the warm and beautiful memories? How can one overlook the cherished moments?

The need to know the answers is the strongest driving force in man. That’s what makes us intelligent. More intelligent I become, more reasons I gather. I can now branch out all the logical pathways from a problem leading to a solution. I thought it would give me stability. It did. It gave me the stability of my mind. But I never thought it would also bring the stagnancy in my heart. Knowing everything, analyzing it has robbed me of the charm of living. It took away the innocence in unraveling the little troubles of life.
When I was a kid, I fell off my bicycle. I skinned my knees and all I knew was that I couldn’t ride then coz it hurt. And when one day it didn’t hurt anymore, I took my bicycle out and rode it with same thrill down the lane. Since I could forget the pain of bruised knees, since I didn’t sit down to anticipate the possibility of getting hurt again; I could ride my bicycle again. I could relive the moment with same innocence; I could trust again; I wasn’t bothered with the answers of why-it-did and what-if-again.
But now since my brain has developed beautiful powers of remembrance and recall, I can look past the magical moment of being in love, knowing how it had sliced my heart once and how it can do so again.
Knowing all the answers may not necessarily solve everything. Let life unfolds itself on its own. Flow along; it’s better than sitting on the banks!

Being a Culprit

Knowing yourself can also be an excruciating experience when you encounter faces like selfishness and cruelty. You blanket it in layers of vivid reasons and feelings, bring your conscience to believe who you are is what you should be. Yet deep within a voice cracks the loosely build wall of fake reasons - a voice of your consciousness. It calls you to do the right but do you have courage, courage to choose the right. It is so easy to look the other way, to ignore, especially when the right brings pain. You are willing to let the blame fall on fate, circumstances or even other people. You want to believe that you hadn't really wanted to be mean. But the truth is you had actually meant it, it's just that taking its responsibility means acceptance of your fault. And who's upto it?

It is so easy to acknowledge pain in you, to recall when you are hurt, what it means to be betrayed. Has anyone ever looked at the other side of the coin, of inflicting pain on others, of knowing that you are the culprit of hurting someone? You know how it feels to be ignored, to have your love and care neglected but you do not give a second thought when you choose to please yourself above one's love and loyalty.

Being a culprit by choice is self-deploring. What is even more disgraceful is having a heart to continue feeling so. After all, we all are human. We all are authorized to make mistakes. Yes, we are. But equally we should learn the art of forgiving when someone else hurts you, knowing you can be on the other side as often.

From Crust To Core

Appearances are often deceiving
dark and obscure is Its clout
no space for perceiving
and nothing flows out

Yet openly i give and accept
none has seen all the way through
only what you see is what you get
rest drowning in my emotional hues

From the most dense forest
to the clear sky open fields
my core is at rest
breathing in the guarded shield

Bubble that encase my core
is tumbling in outer turmoil
waves of anger and confusion strike the shore
yet firmly rooted it remains in its soil

The vacuum I've build around
keeps it safe in its own heaven
away from all the worldly sound
I have my core yet maiden