Kiss of the storm

We can never know what’s in store for us in the next moment unless we go through it. How can I now ever regret waiting an entire day just to have it changed from two words to three. The three most precious words, reverberating with soft melody.

Outside the glass panes, I knew people were chatting, scuttling traffic with vehicles honking, birds were chirping but I hardly could hear them, coz world inside me has calmed down with a simple touch of love. The confluence was so magnetic that it pulled me right at the heart of the storm. I knew the world around me was spinning but I was calm as sea.

And the eye of the storm, the source, took my heart away!

It’s a strange mix of feeling flooding through me, knowing and unknowing it. Knowing that my world will change but don’t know how. Knowing that I’m gonna love every moment of it but don’t know why.

They say people search a lifetime to have a dream they can die for. I believe I’m more than blessed to have a moment in reality to die a thousand deaths for.

And of course that stupid smile that is still hanging around the corner of my lips. And the joy of experiencing “something in the air” continues…with extended mistiness!

Something is in the air...Again

The stupid smile and the dreamy eyes are back. Stuck to me, all through the day. The sunlight through the misty window pane never looked so bright and promising. I don’t recall smiling to the shining rays on my face, usually I’d have shied away in my blanket, under my pillow.

I’m reading the newspaper, full of saddening news, as usual.And the same thought of every morning, "when is India going to rise above all this?" has somehow escaped my mind today. And my mom asks me, “What’s so amusing in the news?” I wonder where this grin has come from. Can the flowers in the vase, visible just from the brim of the newspaper, be so much of joy?

And the morning chaos: dad screaming for hot water, mom yelling for her ruined sari and maid calling for breakfast from the ground floor, it seems, never sounded so soothing. I’m swaying to an unknown tune that my heart is singing to me.

All I can pick up is yellow, pink n blues from my wardrobe. And that’s how my mornings are. Filled with the beautiful hues of my own heart’s reflections.

And when dad asks me to come home early, it becomes a little tough to be angry on thoughts like space and freedom. Home is also not that bad after all…to dream!

And the weather is teasing me, with my scarf flowing and wind in my hair. I’d have usually stuffed it under my seat belt and pulled back my hair in a bun, irritated by both soon. Not today. Why not today?

Speakers blown to the full volume in the car; crawling in the morning traffic of Delhi. I don’t remember smiling at the car driving at the speed of snail. And songs like kuch to hua hai seem to connect to me so well. I don’t know if it is radio or my heart singing.

There is this enchanting mistiness in my thoughts. I’m nowhere and I’m everywhere. I wish the feeling never ends. I wonder again, has the mornings always been so beautiful or something is in the air…

I was late...too late

I felt so small. I saw my nani lying lifeless on her bed and I had nothing to say. Initially the pain didn't hit me, all I knew that it was her time. She's been old and tired of existing; bed-ridden. I thought how happy she must be now, that she didn't have to struggle through another day - to eat, to bathe, to sleep - to live.

My mom broke into tears. She had wanted to call doctor earlier but... There's always a more important task at hand. And now she wonders if she had gone instead. Deep down we all know, when its time there's no stopping. Yet there's a guilt - of not caring enough, of not paying attention at right times, of simply forgetting them at times.

I had my college started on 3rd August. It was a busy schedule, 12 hours, quite tiring. I'd leave without seeing her and come back and fall on my bed. Didn't meet her, didn't see her face, and didn’t touch her feet. I thought let me just first adjust. I thought I had time.
And now I can never. And the irony is that I have all the time in the world now - to grieve. Today I'm not tired, but now it doesn't matter either.

I can only relate to her from vivid memories I've had of her. Though she'll continue to be remembered with much love, there would always be a space left that no one else can fill. No one else can congratulate me with as deep proud as I could see in her eyes. No one else can bless me with as much sincerity and love as she could when I'd touch her feet.

We keep waiting for the right time. There is no right time to express your love. Do it now, before it’s too late, before you are only left with memories to cherish. Why wait for memories when we can live the moments now.
.
The loss is tremendous and the reasons are not enough to let her go. That's why she'll continue to smile at me. The only difference is I just have to close my eyes and open my heart to see her.

I love you nani. Always will.

me or Others?

Have you ever felt that disgust for yourself when you aren’t really who you are but a projection of varied expectations of people around you?
The last time I checked with my reality, I was bold, brave, arrogant and detached. Now I’m compliant, a lost soul in the crowd, moving, swaying along with the flow.
In the fight to prove myself, I have forgotten to be myself.
When had this need to please, the sickening need to “fit-in” come into me? I react, I behave, I speak, I laugh, I feel sad, I express as and when expected. And then I feel I’m busy. Of course I’m busy, in complying with so many around me.

The fact that I’m doing everything that shouldn’t concern me is another story but nonetheless I’m working very hard.And the results have been highly effective in eroding my sense of belief that I can be who I want to be. And it has superbly contributed in nipping at my confidence.

How many times do we forgo of feelings that we wish to express, of things we wish to do but don’t. In the name of “other people”.
The choice has always been in my hands. Me or others?

A Walk To Nowhere

As I began to walk, first I wondered about where shall I go to?, how shall I get there, am I allowed to go there?, is it right to go alone?, what will people think watching a girl walking alone?
When I took my first step, I walked towards where people would expect me to go, where it wouldn't seem strange to find me. I saw things people wouldn't mind me looking at. I reacted in a way they would understand.

But as I walked more, the complications stripped me. I no longer looked at things people wanted me to. I didn't care what I was looking at coz it didn't really matter. I stopped walking to places where mob was leading. I went somewhere else.

People started staring at me, started noticing me. It amused me to think that how by just changing the course, taking a road less traveled, made me come in limelight. It startled me when I noticed their reactions; some were amused to see me, some were confused, some curious, some disappointed. One thing was common, I had heads turning; even if they spared a glance.

But that wasn't worth noticing. What grabbed my attention was that I was noticing their reactions, I was interested to notice them more than paying attention to where I was walking to and what I was looking at. When it should be me and my work that should demand my tending; I was losing moments at others.

And as my journey continued, people's reactions were not my concern. I was stripped one more layer. More I walked, more I went basic. I lost track of people around me, of time, of places. All I knew was, with every single breath, I took a step towards where my mind and heart has asked me to.

And with the last step a realization dawned on me. Since I didn't analyse how long I have to walk more and nor I remembered how far I had walked; the journey was a pure pleasure.

Living for oneself is not selfish. When one lives for oneself, only then they live for others. I felt in complete harmony with myself and with universe. I realized when I actually lost touch with the outer world, I could connect to them better. Freedom and peace was absolute.

Just when you feel you have lost your way, take a walk to nowhere!

Life's No Poem: Better Yet!

People often wish for things to turn out to be as they had planned. Everyone has planned out their lives so meticulously that they have no charm for the uninvited changes. Sometimes life's better if you just wait and watch what it unfolds for you...


I wanted it to rhyme
my life like a poem
symmetrical, organized and flowing
but I'm no poet and life's no poem

Had life's incidents
been a choice of words
I'd have shifted; found handful of synonyms
to fit the rhythm I had desired

Words that I could choose
and push into other lines
to make it dance
to the tune I had in mind.
But life's melody
is in sync with time
a tune so contrary,
to what may fancy mine

Giving it an end
that would suit my mood
happy or sad,
rough or smooth.
But flowing like river
life only bends
at turning points; don't force
let it on its own - blend

Tree At The Diversion

I stood at the barrier, the very first day of a new phase in my life. With feet demanding to step forward and eyes glancing back, I had my heart heavy. It wasn’t the fear of entering an unknown domain, wasn’t even the nostalgia of leaving home clogging my throat; it was knowing that I didn’t want to be here and yet I was. It was the fear of not finding a small hope, a little courage to make the transition by choice.

Have you ever traveled through a diversion? When you know, it is for time being that you are walking the unfamiliar road, it is only a matter of time when the diversion would lead you back to the more often traveled route. The world inside the barrier was a diversion. A diversion from the road I had dreamt of traveling.

Where? From where do I find my tiny little hope? Just tell me that this is only a diversion. Just when the despair was about to crack my collected senses, a dew drop fell on my cheek. I would have shrugged it off, but a soft muffled breeze tickled the fluffy tree overhead. The cool shower of dew-drops and calm melody of ruffling of leaves enchanted my otherwise solemn action. And I stood below a billowing tree with sunshine dripping through drenched branches. Bright blooming yellow flowers adorned the branches in volumes, tipping them towards ground. The refreshing greens peeked from here and there. With golden sunrays splitting through them, I felt gloriously lit; from inside.

Standing under the protective cove of the tree at diversion, the sky looked clearer, bluer; the roads smoother and firm under my feet. Everything felt beautiful, in sync with me. The world inside looked promising, offering me a newer vision.

And with my tiny hope found, shining brilliantly in my heart, I said, “Lets explore a new diversion in my life.”